2016

 Preciso deixar registrado o que aconteceu hoje. Reencontrei o primeiro menino que me amou, me beijou e que fez de tudo por mim, o Pedro Lunardi. Só escrevi o nome porque não quero me esquecer para contar aos meus filhos.  

Agora estou escutando Jack Johnson pela minha vida inteira. Comecei por I´ve got you, a música que ele dedicou para mim, do cantor que eu fiz brincadeira com ele que ia nos deixar marcado. Eu conheci ele no Rosário. Foi uma das coisas boas de lá. 

Reencontrei hoje. Depois de tanto tempo esperando por isso. Eu ás vezes idealizava e sonhava, mas nunca. E do nada ele está do outro lado da rua andando de bike. Caramba. Nunca imaginei que ele fosse ficar tão gato. Com barbixa. Cara de homem. 

Ele foi o primeiro a tirar de mim o meu sorriso apaixonado. 

Ainda tem mais do cápitulo da minha vida que eu quero ir lendo depois que der tudo misturada. Bom, eu nunca planejei ficar com o Pedro Truszko e vejam só como fiquei louca por ele...  

Hoje, marquei de estudar com o Toni, da minha turma. Ficamos de mãos dadas estudando. Foi história. Queria explicar pra ele, mas depois me desconcetrei com aquele guri. Agora ele me mandou uma mensagem dizendo que tem prova amanhã de matemática no cursinho. 

Ele me diz que a vida é pra ser feliz. E se eu quiser ir para São Paulo, fazer isso. Sinceramente, não sinto que vou me envolver com ele. Fico gostando na hora. Só que depois volto a lembrar do Pedro, das coisas fofas e mágicas que fizemos. Fico olhando nossas fotos. 

Penso ainda em ir pra lá logo quinta que vem, no feriado do tiradentes. Só que tem aula sexta. Eu tenho grana. Bom, eu queria ir lá para reviver nós dois. Dar esperança. Ver se eu realmente sinto por ele amor. 

Eu penso em chegar lá muito inesperadamente. Como num filme com no fundo a música Eu amei te ver. Chegando toda gata, e esperando ele sair do Jogando no Quintal. Mas penso que ele está vivendo uma nova fase. Que foi chato um pouco comigo. Ele vai levar garotas para a cama da casa dele. 

Agora começou a música Losing Hope. Que delícia de escutar. Voltava depois do dia inteiro no Rosário escutando. E marcou. Chegava o final do dia, meio escurecendo, com friozinho. Ah e andava nessa batida. 

Hoje tive prova de matemática, me senti tranquila e no final aquele nervoso que tenho de entregar. 

Agora, coloquei uma foto diferente no whats. Deitada na grama, com uma cara de monalisa que parece estar com um sorriso séria. 

Bom, que nem disse meu professor de física, Gelson (quero tirar uma foto com ele no final do ano para  mostrar aos meus filhos, as coisas que me fazem feliz) nada seria melhor ou pior. É tudo do jeito que deveria ser. 

14/04/2016 

 4th of February

I feel tired. deadly tired. this weekend my belly hurt, I slept at 4am. then went to the monster shop and did 60 euros. then went to work and it was busy. I was supposed to stay only until 11pm, but I stayed longer for David.... went to sleep at 3am. the next day we woke up to go for a coffee, I went alone to the protest in Germany against afd. it was beautiful, felt alive again, took pictures. really nice. then I had to go to a fucknig meeting from the bar, bullshit. the bosses couldn't listen how fucked up they were. they offered be a gold deal of doing social media (one event per week) for 13 euros (an hour more). bullshit. now im tired. after this I went home. I slept and woke up early to go to two classes. bad classes. like worse than school. and then I went to a cafe to search for another job, found one, but couldnt send my application. Then went to work again, I was supposed to work only until 11pm, stayed there until midnight because the other cowork left. bullshit. Got home at 2am and now im destroyed. feeling tired. dead. ill work again. 

eu sempre fui resistencia, desde criança, sempre fui arte. sempre. arte. fui e sou. resistencia. grande.

 this work is making me sick... I barely earn much,  I booked an amazing gig that did 1000 euros for the bar, a number never seen before, a successful night and in the end of the shift the piece of shit comes to say that this is not what the bar is looking. so good luck with the old dudes going there drinking whiskey, and making 10 euros for the bar. I can get a better job where my sleep is not so dis regulated, get the same amount of tips or even better. My sleep is important and I wont put any effort in this fucking instagram. the boss is a piece of shit, always saying this is not a democratic thing, solve it yourself, coming to the bar and not doing anything, the guy has no understanding of how to do anything in that place, everything who is doing is David, and the guy still doesnt get any appreciation. Im leaving. I am. Fuck this shit.

But also my dad treating me like shit, being here, and only supporting me financially if I learn German (which is fine) but the way he treats me with so much violence. I saw a letter Lisa got from her parents, saying they couldnt wait for the next single to come out. Voce foi ensinada que amor é dor. é nao escutar. mas voce sabe melhor das coisas. se fosse por escutar sua tia voce kinda estaria doente em porto Alegre. 

Old dudes playing with other old dudes making jokes about how woman cant drink strong alcohol. you cant even promote the gigs so why would you help this piece of shit? that has a boss that is literally a piece of shit, but its still working with you...

I'm really tired from life here in Germany, from my dad from this culture. my mom once told me that all germans acted like nazis, and it's true. the disrespect, the violence, the passive aggressiveness, the no consideration, the way they want everyone to live life how they want... living in berlin, moving is stressful

the guy there wont have the energy to stand up for u. 

 I think it's quite racist to put a party for china in a day of the bar considering that maybe not chinese people are coming. I think it's quite confusing and frustrating the way they talk to us. Let me see your skills. Im quite tired of searching for an apartment in Berlin. Im quite tired of thinking about moving again. and about bringing all of my möbel with me. Im tired of people in Germany being rude. I'm tired of falling in relationships I dont want to. I'm tired of feeling alone in this country. Today it was slow. I woke up at 9am, but I always take until 11am to actually wake up. The only good thing is that I stopped biting my nails. I'm working now at the bar, but im feeling quite tired of people exploiting other people. Of not having a business account or profile to apply for jobs or internships. Of not having a camera. I'm now saving money for my camera, slow by slow. After waking up I cooked my breakfast, and had lots of ideas for the bar. After being said that I should show my skills. As it wasnt enough everything I'm doing at the bar. I work a lot, and when I calculate I only earn 500 euros. I'm tired of having to move, I dont want to move anymore. I'm tired of putting my things in a car and having to adapt to a new place. Anyways. Bimm is also a joke, but we all accepted it. I gave everything I could for my career, and believed in myself. But I've seen how tired I am. Now im with a man that says he cares for me, but I dont really feel it. He likes to fuck me, it's clear. He likes my boobs and my ass. And says he cares so much for me. He doesnt care I lost my classes, or anything. and this annoys me. Today I did grocerie and met Lisa in the supermarket. My dad only knows how to tell me how irresponsible I am. And im tired. I really wanted to bring my mom before moving out of here. I wanted to see her. or go back, idk. I wanted to get therapy... I wanted a lot. I wanted to be respected at work... It's okay though. I will make it. somehow. today I also slept at 6pm which is the time I usually start getting super tired. Idk. Lets see. I still feel super lonely here.