I know this is hard
but somehow im relieved
I feel like I can conquest the world alone
I know its tough
but I want to show my daughter that she can conquest anything in her life
with study and hard work
I know its tough
its not easy
but men are weak
and its hard to assume
but I wont put my energy into a man anymore
ill put it on me
this investment we know where it ends:
i dont feel this anymore,
idk how to deal with this.
theis loss
how can you even tell me you love me, if you dont even care about me?
22nd of September 2025
Im back home. Back to Porto Alegre. And it just feels so good to be here. To eat the food, to see my family, be around nice people. To be back home after so long. Some things are weird. I dont speak to David since a week. In fact we havent talked since I came here... He is so weak. I met this one German guy, he is 20 years old. He is nice and I practice German with him. He invited me to the embassy event. Today I also had an interview for a job in Goethe. For almost 4k real per month. It's hard, to leave berlin. But I just didnt feel good there.
David said he always loved me. Insisted in beginning this. But he wanted comfort. He doesnt know how to deal with real feelings. another guy like the others.
"I would never have anything to do with someone that treated you so badly"
oh, honey, u did much much much worse
you have no balls
and thats why you will end up unhappy...
wait a second, stop talking to him
give time, he will replace u
just wait
and you will be much happier, with your dreams, your degrees, your house
wait...
this guy has no balls
and he cant even be nice
he was being so nice because u were making his pain less by being there
just wait a sec to see how things will change
Life. In the time im crying the most comes this magazine cover with me smiling.
I just woke up and I had a nightmare about the bar. It's really hard for me to see how im "still" with a person that cant even put the value on themselves. This place will just use other people.. Also on my rehearsal, those really sensitive men, saying: the most important thing is that David is still protected. And them reading about how neural diverse impacts in creativity. They are just limited men. After, they say we are the problem, but in fact they are the problem. They are the ones that are crying in rehearsals, that are being weird when you are being nice, that are not awnserting you for months. Bullshit. And now David wanted me to go to see him play on Saturday, In that bad bar. im pretty sure they will attract more and more weirdos. Today I'll have to focus in finishing my exams and everything. It will work out. it will for sure and I will feel so realized. David is also like a kid, aw I want friends, but I want those friends... Like are u even going to come back to him knowing the shit of not listening to u? Because those friends were childish enough and he knows he won't find anything like that...
But I guess while im complaining there are other things I should be doing.
Those past weeks have been quite hectic. I fell like I went through a break up with David. We havent talked for almost a month since the 12th, when I finished one of my exams. That was one of the hectic times this year, where I was in the middle of exams week, and feeling extremely overwhelmed. I couldnt make most of my exams because in my spring break I had booked 2 gigs, one at honey Lou and kind stubbed. When I was supposed to make my exams I was singing in the park, meeting David or creating a new brand or interviewing grimson. I feel that coming back to my dad might have some basic survival feelings activated. Feeling safe, but also feeling extremely emotional and almost dying of crying or feeling my body extremely tired are things I feel. It's hard to deal with a parent you almost didnt see your whole life. and this with my finishing my first degree for the first time. But with a guy that couldnt respect my tests and exams. that fighter with me for joking about something, about me being more important than his parents. someone thatt couldnt text me for a whole month because he wanted me to text him first. going through this within my exams and with my dad fighting with me. Its funny how men in our lives don gives us the support we need when we need it. The last weekend Ive also took some extra work, because I felt I needed money. Ive worked in that gallery BAAM. I wish I took more shifts, because this money will be actually good for me. And then did 3 photoshoots. For BIMM, for James, canceled another one. Also frederico was coming here, and I was expecting of having something with him. This desconcentrated me a lot. But also not having my lenses and having to get it borrowed, getting them borrowed and then not having them working. All for the money, but then this also caused me to be tired. My dad went to Rome which was really good to have peace. But then I also met David and we had sex in the bar (maybe just because I felt a bit sad not having frederico). Trying to be honest here, but those past weeks and month has been extremely chaotic. I feel I need peace and need to reconstruct my life. It was really good to have time from David, I dont think I like him really. But yea, the way I feel alone, the way I cry. I had my photography interview and didnt pass. I had a therapy session to get extensions. Went crying to university. It's a journey to reconnect with your dad. Cried a lot. Cried so much. And felt so alone, felt grieving. This support from this guy that doesnt exist. Im writing now because I was thinking of seeing him tonight and sleep at his place. But I think this could be bad, because I could sleep really late. I also dont feel his roommates like me, and I have a reahearsal at 12pm, plus to finish my current exams. im happy to be with my friends tomorrow and to rehearse with Laurie. All of this has been too hard for me. But im trying to stay well. It's hard to find peace. Sometimes my brain just understands I have peace in a mens arms. But they are not my dads, and my dad is old. I try a lot to rewire my brain. A lot. But it's tough, specially when you dont have money, support, stability or job. It will be okay, because I know I'll get through it.
Linda Esperanza, 4th of June 2025
I love myself, and ill take care of my inner child.
