Those past weeks have been quite hectic. I fell like I went through a break up with David. We havent talked for almost a month since the 12th, when I finished one of my exams. That was one of the hectic times this year, where I was in the middle of exams week, and feeling extremely overwhelmed. I couldnt make most of my exams because in my spring break I had booked 2 gigs, one at honey Lou and kind stubbed. When I was supposed to make my exams I was singing in the park, meeting David or creating a new brand or interviewing grimson. I feel that coming back to my dad might have some basic survival feelings activated. Feeling safe, but also feeling extremely emotional and almost dying of crying or feeling my body extremely tired are things I feel. It's hard to deal with a parent you almost didnt see your whole life. and this with my finishing my first degree for the first time. But with a guy that couldnt respect my tests and exams. that fighter with me for joking about something, about me being more important than his parents. someone thatt couldnt text me for a whole month because he wanted me to text him first. going through this within my exams and with my dad fighting with me. Its funny how men in our lives don gives us the support we need when we need it. The last weekend Ive also took some extra work, because I felt I needed money. Ive worked in that gallery BAAM. I wish I took more shifts, because this money will be actually good for me. And then did 3 photoshoots. For BIMM, for James, canceled another one. Also frederico was coming here, and I was expecting of having something with him. This desconcentrated me a lot. But also not having my lenses and having to get it borrowed, getting them borrowed and then not having them working. All for the money, but then this also caused me to be tired. My dad went to Rome which was really good to have peace. But then I also met David and we had sex in the bar (maybe just because I felt a bit sad not having frederico). Trying to be honest here, but those past weeks and month has been extremely chaotic. I feel I need peace and need to reconstruct my life. It was really good to have time from David, I dont think I like him really. But yea, the way I feel alone, the way I cry. I had my photography interview and didnt pass. I had a therapy session to get extensions. Went crying to university. It's a journey to reconnect with your dad. Cried a lot. Cried so much. And felt so alone, felt grieving. This support from this guy that doesnt exist. Im writing now because I was thinking of seeing him tonight and sleep at his place. But I think this could be bad, because I could sleep really late. I also dont feel his roommates like me, and I have a reahearsal at 12pm, plus to finish my current exams. im happy to be with my friends tomorrow and to rehearse with Laurie. All of this has been too hard for me. But im trying to stay well. It's hard to find peace. Sometimes my brain just understands I have peace in a mens arms. But they are not my dads, and my dad is old. I try a lot to rewire my brain. A lot. But it's tough, specially when you dont have money, support, stability or job. It will be okay, because I know I'll get through it.
Linda Esperanza, 4th of June 2025
I love myself, and ill take care of my inner child.
