Life. In the time im crying the most comes this magazine cover with me smiling. 

I just woke up and I had a nightmare about the bar. It's really hard for me to see how im "still" with a person that cant even put the value on themselves. This place will just use other people.. Also on my rehearsal, those really sensitive men, saying: the most important thing is that David is still protected. And them reading about how neural diverse impacts in creativity. They are just limited men. After, they say we are the problem, but in fact they are the problem. They are the ones that are crying in rehearsals, that are being weird when you are being nice, that are not awnserting you for months. Bullshit. And now David wanted me to go to see him play on Saturday, In that bad bar. im pretty sure they will attract more and more weirdos. Today I'll have to focus in finishing my exams and everything. It will work out. it will for sure and I will feel so realized. David is also like a kid, aw I want friends, but I want those friends... Like are u even going to come back to him knowing the shit of not listening to u? Because those friends were childish enough and he knows he won't find anything like that...

But I guess while im complaining there are other things I should be doing.  

Those past weeks have been quite hectic. I fell like I went through a break up with David. We havent talked for almost a month since the 12th, when I finished one of my exams. That was one of the hectic times this year, where I was in the middle of exams week, and feeling extremely overwhelmed. I couldnt make most of my exams because in my spring break I had booked 2 gigs, one at honey Lou and kind stubbed. When I was supposed to make my exams I was singing in the park, meeting David or creating a new brand or interviewing grimson. I feel that coming back to my dad might have some basic survival feelings activated. Feeling safe, but also feeling extremely emotional and almost dying of crying or feeling my body extremely tired are things I feel. It's hard to deal with a parent you almost didnt see your whole life. and this with my finishing my first degree for the first time. But with a guy that couldnt respect my tests and exams. that fighter with me for joking about something, about me being more important than his parents. someone thatt couldnt text me for a whole month because he wanted me to text him first. going through this within my exams and with my dad fighting with me. Its funny how men in our lives don gives us the support we need when we need it. The last weekend Ive also took some extra work, because I felt I needed money. Ive worked in that gallery BAAM. I wish I took more shifts, because this money will be actually good for me. And then did 3 photoshoots. For BIMM, for James, canceled another one. Also frederico was coming here, and I was expecting of having something with him. This desconcentrated me a lot. But also not having my lenses and having to get it borrowed, getting them borrowed and then not having them working. All for the money, but then this also caused me to be tired. My dad went to Rome which was really good to have peace. But then I also met David and we had sex in the bar (maybe just because I felt a bit sad not having frederico). Trying to be honest here, but those past weeks and month has been extremely chaotic. I feel I need peace and need to reconstruct my life. It was really good to have time from David, I dont think I like him really. But yea, the way I feel alone, the way I cry. I had my photography interview and didnt pass. I had a therapy session to get extensions. Went crying to university. It's a journey to reconnect with your dad. Cried a lot. Cried so much. And felt so alone, felt grieving. This support from this guy that doesnt exist. Im writing now because I was thinking of seeing him tonight and sleep at his place. But I think this could be bad, because I could sleep really late. I also dont feel his roommates like me, and I have a reahearsal at 12pm, plus to finish my current exams. im happy to be with my friends tomorrow and to rehearse with Laurie. All of this has been too hard for me. But im trying to stay well. It's hard to find peace. Sometimes my brain just understands I have peace in a mens arms. But they are not my dads, and my dad is old. I try a lot to rewire my brain. A lot. But it's tough, specially when you dont have money, support, stability or job. It will be okay, because I know I'll get through it. 

Linda Esperanza, 4th of June 2025

I love myself, and ill take care of my inner child.

 I like having the time for myself

I like having this detox

like it a lot!

 cara vai sempre proteger outros caras...

incrivel

chega a ser romantico

como se amam 

como dao a vida por. outros caras

o ano ja mostrou como começou 

eh incrivel!

ja Comecon com o cara mal

sai dai agora antes que seja tarde

vc quis que tivesse saído naquele momento

 I am feeling grief. Im feeling deep feelings that make me tired. Im feeling lonely. Im feeling transformation. And I feel myself in the middle of the thunder. My body hurts, my breath is heavy. I try to reconnect and use candles. Maybe I should speak in my own language. 

You know what I think its funny? How men dont like us. Us being witches, us being fire, us talking what is wrong, ur burning what is not good. Im here for the change, and I know I will get a job. As long as I forget those submissive feelings from that old place. That bar. I know it has been intense. but I know things will get better.

The candle is burning and I refuse to believe that I won't find my path home. I use photography for woman to make them feel powerful. to make them reconnect with themselves. its a psyquique opportunity and feeling that transforms both of us. Thats why most men dont do art. Because they think about it to make it. They want to make hard art. While we are the talented ones, and still hear: now you have learned your lesson.

I feel like im grieving. Who knows what will come next.

 my body is tired, my whole body is tired

my body hurts

i See myself making money when im alone

im tired of having men 

 why do I have to explain to men I dont like to be called pretty?

why after my birthday I have to feel jealous?

or why that in my bday the guy is just sitting with other guys?

is this who I want?

why is he cringe?

why he lack so much of style?

why does he stay with people that clearly disrespected me?

why doesnt he see the direspect in the studio? 

nice

2016

 Preciso deixar registrado o que aconteceu hoje. Reencontrei o primeiro menino que me amou, me beijou e que fez de tudo por mim, o Pedro Lunardi. Só escrevi o nome porque não quero me esquecer para contar aos meus filhos.  

Agora estou escutando Jack Johnson pela minha vida inteira. Comecei por I´ve got you, a música que ele dedicou para mim, do cantor que eu fiz brincadeira com ele que ia nos deixar marcado. Eu conheci ele no Rosário. Foi uma das coisas boas de lá. 

Reencontrei hoje. Depois de tanto tempo esperando por isso. Eu ás vezes idealizava e sonhava, mas nunca. E do nada ele está do outro lado da rua andando de bike. Caramba. Nunca imaginei que ele fosse ficar tão gato. Com barbixa. Cara de homem. 

Ele foi o primeiro a tirar de mim o meu sorriso apaixonado. 

Ainda tem mais do cápitulo da minha vida que eu quero ir lendo depois que der tudo misturada. Bom, eu nunca planejei ficar com o Pedro Truszko e vejam só como fiquei louca por ele...  

Hoje, marquei de estudar com o Toni, da minha turma. Ficamos de mãos dadas estudando. Foi história. Queria explicar pra ele, mas depois me desconcetrei com aquele guri. Agora ele me mandou uma mensagem dizendo que tem prova amanhã de matemática no cursinho. 

Ele me diz que a vida é pra ser feliz. E se eu quiser ir para São Paulo, fazer isso. Sinceramente, não sinto que vou me envolver com ele. Fico gostando na hora. Só que depois volto a lembrar do Pedro, das coisas fofas e mágicas que fizemos. Fico olhando nossas fotos. 

Penso ainda em ir pra lá logo quinta que vem, no feriado do tiradentes. Só que tem aula sexta. Eu tenho grana. Bom, eu queria ir lá para reviver nós dois. Dar esperança. Ver se eu realmente sinto por ele amor. 

Eu penso em chegar lá muito inesperadamente. Como num filme com no fundo a música Eu amei te ver. Chegando toda gata, e esperando ele sair do Jogando no Quintal. Mas penso que ele está vivendo uma nova fase. Que foi chato um pouco comigo. Ele vai levar garotas para a cama da casa dele. 

Agora começou a música Losing Hope. Que delícia de escutar. Voltava depois do dia inteiro no Rosário escutando. E marcou. Chegava o final do dia, meio escurecendo, com friozinho. Ah e andava nessa batida. 

Hoje tive prova de matemática, me senti tranquila e no final aquele nervoso que tenho de entregar. 

Agora, coloquei uma foto diferente no whats. Deitada na grama, com uma cara de monalisa que parece estar com um sorriso séria. 

Bom, que nem disse meu professor de física, Gelson (quero tirar uma foto com ele no final do ano para  mostrar aos meus filhos, as coisas que me fazem feliz) nada seria melhor ou pior. É tudo do jeito que deveria ser. 

14/04/2016 

 4th of February

I feel tired. deadly tired. this weekend my belly hurt, I slept at 4am. then went to the monster shop and did 60 euros. then went to work and it was busy. I was supposed to stay only until 11pm, but I stayed longer for David.... went to sleep at 3am. the next day we woke up to go for a coffee, I went alone to the protest in Germany against afd. it was beautiful, felt alive again, took pictures. really nice. then I had to go to a fucknig meeting from the bar, bullshit. the bosses couldn't listen how fucked up they were. they offered be a gold deal of doing social media (one event per week) for 13 euros (an hour more). bullshit. now im tired. after this I went home. I slept and woke up early to go to two classes. bad classes. like worse than school. and then I went to a cafe to search for another job, found one, but couldnt send my application. Then went to work again, I was supposed to work only until 11pm, stayed there until midnight because the other cowork left. bullshit. Got home at 2am and now im destroyed. feeling tired. dead. ill work again. 

eu sempre fui resistencia, desde criança, sempre fui arte. sempre. arte. fui e sou. resistencia. grande.

 this work is making me sick... I barely earn much,  I booked an amazing gig that did 1000 euros for the bar, a number never seen before, a successful night and in the end of the shift the piece of shit comes to say that this is not what the bar is looking. so good luck with the old dudes going there drinking whiskey, and making 10 euros for the bar. I can get a better job where my sleep is not so dis regulated, get the same amount of tips or even better. My sleep is important and I wont put any effort in this fucking instagram. the boss is a piece of shit, always saying this is not a democratic thing, solve it yourself, coming to the bar and not doing anything, the guy has no understanding of how to do anything in that place, everything who is doing is David, and the guy still doesnt get any appreciation. Im leaving. I am. Fuck this shit.

But also my dad treating me like shit, being here, and only supporting me financially if I learn German (which is fine) but the way he treats me with so much violence. I saw a letter Lisa got from her parents, saying they couldnt wait for the next single to come out. Voce foi ensinada que amor é dor. é nao escutar. mas voce sabe melhor das coisas. se fosse por escutar sua tia voce kinda estaria doente em porto Alegre. 

Old dudes playing with other old dudes making jokes about how woman cant drink strong alcohol. you cant even promote the gigs so why would you help this piece of shit? that has a boss that is literally a piece of shit, but its still working with you...

I'm really tired from life here in Germany, from my dad from this culture. my mom once told me that all germans acted like nazis, and it's true. the disrespect, the violence, the passive aggressiveness, the no consideration, the way they want everyone to live life how they want... living in berlin, moving is stressful

the guy there wont have the energy to stand up for u. 

 I think it's quite racist to put a party for china in a day of the bar considering that maybe not chinese people are coming. I think it's quite confusing and frustrating the way they talk to us. Let me see your skills. Im quite tired of searching for an apartment in Berlin. Im quite tired of thinking about moving again. and about bringing all of my möbel with me. Im tired of people in Germany being rude. I'm tired of falling in relationships I dont want to. I'm tired of feeling alone in this country. Today it was slow. I woke up at 9am, but I always take until 11am to actually wake up. The only good thing is that I stopped biting my nails. I'm working now at the bar, but im feeling quite tired of people exploiting other people. Of not having a business account or profile to apply for jobs or internships. Of not having a camera. I'm now saving money for my camera, slow by slow. After waking up I cooked my breakfast, and had lots of ideas for the bar. After being said that I should show my skills. As it wasnt enough everything I'm doing at the bar. I work a lot, and when I calculate I only earn 500 euros. I'm tired of having to move, I dont want to move anymore. I'm tired of putting my things in a car and having to adapt to a new place. Anyways. Bimm is also a joke, but we all accepted it. I gave everything I could for my career, and believed in myself. But I've seen how tired I am. Now im with a man that says he cares for me, but I dont really feel it. He likes to fuck me, it's clear. He likes my boobs and my ass. And says he cares so much for me. He doesnt care I lost my classes, or anything. and this annoys me. Today I did grocerie and met Lisa in the supermarket. My dad only knows how to tell me how irresponsible I am. And im tired. I really wanted to bring my mom before moving out of here. I wanted to see her. or go back, idk. I wanted to get therapy... I wanted a lot. I wanted to be respected at work... It's okay though. I will make it. somehow. today I also slept at 6pm which is the time I usually start getting super tired. Idk. Lets see. I still feel super lonely here.